So, I guess you all have noticed my absence over the past few weeks…
Sometimes life just kicks you in the ass. I’m no stranger to life kicking me in the ass really, in fact I feel it builds my character every single time, so I wouldn’t have it any other way. I don’t see failures, I see triumphs of spirit and examples of hard work towards what I want for my future.
You see, I devoted myself as fully as one possibly can to a project while trying to maintain the rest of my life - day job, Manfriend coming home, social life, et cetera. I gave my all to this without encouragement, reinforcement, compensation. I gave for three weeks, and then could not give any more. My world around me began to slip from my fingers. Piles of laundry, neglecting personal hygiene (well, showering became more of an as-needed basis for a bit), never entering a gym, and the worst of it all, resenting my peers for the freedom they held.
I let negativity take over my life.
I had been doing so well - weeding out the bad and only replacing with the good, surrounding myself with positivity and optimism for myself and my life. I had made major steps over the past few months to work towards the life that not only I wanted to live, but one I deserve to live. I was open with my heart as I always have been, but cautious of what I allowed to enter and exit into my life.
And all of a sudden, I was handed an opportunity to finally live the way of life that I had dreamed of.
Then the whirlwind. Stress. Emotion. Juggling. My life was on hold for the demands of others. I had to ask permission to resume my daily chores. I could leave the house but I could never enjoy myself, checking my phone constantly to see if there was work to be done. My nose was in my laptop and there were days I barely ventured outdoors. I returned texts and phone calls from friends DAYS late (I do NOT do this! EVER!). My attitude went from happy-go-lucky to just flat out awful in a matter of days.
Some people can work that way. Some people can find balance. I, at this time, am not one of those people.
I stopped blogging. I stopped writing as a whole. I stopped making awful jokes and smiling at Manfriend. I stopped smiling as a whole.
Fast forward to my new-found mindfulness. It obviously all didn’t work out, and it is for the best. I am not sad, I don’t regret. It was not for me. I am finally feeling like myself again. I brush my hair and I face every day head on. I don’t know what comes next, but I know that it will come. I am trying my hardest to get back to the centered point I was weeks ago before this all happened. It has been a challenge in itself. I am trying so hard to repair the damage around me. I have finally finished that pile of laundry.
And here I am. It has taken me time, but I feel my creativity finally sparking again in my veins. I never want to it leave me again. Without it I am not complete. Or sane. It doesn’t matter to me if anyone reads what I write or not, I will continue to give to this world small glimpses of me, my thoughts, my words, my pictures, my dreams. Pieces of me. And this time around I want to give more, to be mindful that I graciously am allowed to do so.
Mindfulness is definitely an art. It is a challenge to keep up within your mind, body and soul. I lost that mindfulness but realized how important it is to always be present, and when that presence fades, it is time to reassess your mind.
I owe a depth of gratitude towards those who have a perfect balance within their lives. Those with careers, families, social lives - those with everything. I aspire for balance, but currently only hold a capacity for so much. I am working hard towards the day I can have it all without a hurricane swarming around me.
But for now, thank you for journeying with me within the present.
Don’t look now, but Valentine’s Day is once again looming on the horizon. One of our most polarizing holidays, Valentine’s Day either reminds you of the seemingly endless frustrations of being single or, as with most of the listeners who shared stories for this edition of All Songs Considered, it’s a chance to celebrate love in all of its wonderfully unpredictable, beautifully diverse forms. On this week’s show, listeners dedicate songs to the ones they love. Hear music from Bjork,The XX, a classic tango from Carlos Gardel and more.